In the words of Mya and Jay-Z in the song Best of Me: Should I stay, should I go? I don’t know…
Maybe that’s not quite the right question.
Perhaps the bigger question is: What do you want to change?
Lately, I’ve been hearing some version of this question from coachees, mentees and friends…
Should I leave? Quit? Move? Pivot? Start again?
When I was in medical training, I found myself asking: Should I stay, or should I go… back home to Africa?
I worked with a coach to figure it out. Through the process, I began identifying what mattered most to me and how I might shape my life around those things. The result? A portfolio career that allowed me extended travel back home, and the occasional opportunity to have beads in my hair without having to wait until retirement!
I redesigned parts of my life to accommodate more of what mattered to me. It didn’t solve everything, but it expanded my sense of what was possible.
There were other options.
And that’s worth exploring before making a big decision. Not because leaving is wrong, or because we should always try to make things work, but because Should I stay or should I go? can make our options feel narrower than they really are.
Not all discomfort is a sign to leave
Discomfort can be useful information, but it doesn’t always mean the same thing. It might signal that something is wrong, that we’re growing, or simply we’re exhausted and need space to think.
Before interpreting discomfort as a sign to leave, it helps to understand what we’re experiencing:
Growth: I’m stretched, but learning.
Challenge: This is hard, but I still care.
Misalignment: Something important to me is being compromised.
Exhaustion: I might not hate this. I might just be depleted.
Stagnation: I’m no longer growing towards the person I want to become.
These experiences can feel remarkably similar when we’re in the thick of them. Yet they call for different responses.
And let’s be clear: not all discomfort needs to be endured. Being stretched by a meaningful challenge is not the same as being harmed by an unhealthy environment. You do not need to prove your resilience by remaining in a situation that harms you.
The aim is not to tolerate everything. It’s to become more discerning about what deserves our energy, what needs to change and what is non-negotiable.
From discomfort to a decision
Persistent discomfort may signal that something important to us…our values, needs or aspirations, are no longer being honoured.
So, get curious.
What am I missing? What do I need more of? What needs to change?
And then, importantly: Can I change it here?
Perhaps a conversation is needed. A boundary. A different role, a new challenge or a change in how you work. Could you run a small experiment before making a permanent decision?
Sometimes, the thing that needs to change is the system itself. The culture may be unhealthy, the relationship no longer right, or the conditions you need to thrive simply unavailable.
And despite your best efforts, it ain’t gonna change.
That, too, is useful information.
Sometimes, you just gotta go.
That may mean seeking support, making a plan or building the practical and financial options you need to leave.
You are also allowed to outgrow things
The life you worked so hard to build may need a different shape. We change. Our priorities change. What once fit, may no longer fit.
You don’t have to keep convincing yourself to want something you’ve outgrown. Nor do you need a crisis to justify wanting something different.
A line often attributed to Maya Angelou reminds us: “When we know better, we can do better.”
The choices we made with the priorities we had then, may not be the choices we’d make today. That doesn’t mean they were mistakes. Be kind to yourself.
The next chapter doesn’t have to invalidate the last one. It may simply ask something different of you.
Your Quiet Bold next step
If you’re asking yourself, Should I stay or should I go?, consider this approach:
Name what you want to change.
Be specific about what’s missing. Instead of “I hate my job”, try “I want more autonomy, more meaningful work and opportunities to develop.”
Identify what’s within your control.
What conversation, boundary or small experiment could help?
Choose one next step.
Rest, seek advice, explore an opportunity or investigate what a transition would require.
Set a date to revisit the question.
Give yourself time to reflect, experiment and assess what you’ve learnt. This helps prevent reflection from becoming an endless loop of indecision.
You don’t have to figure everything out today. We won’t always know whether to stay or go, but we may get a little clearer about what matters, what needs to change and what might be possible.
Until next time, keep choosing with intention.
This week I have been…
Listening: 'Abalale’ (Jnr SA Remix) by Jnr SA, Kabza De Small, Dj Maphorisa and Ami Faku
If you found this reflection useful, forward it to one person who would appreciate it.
Thank you and see you next month.
